I returned. At first I thought the disruption situation two weeks ago was a gift from Joseph Smith himself to give me some breathing space as I planned a move across the country, but it turned out. Turned out it was actually just vacation or whatever, given the show came back in my midst while driving from Chicago to LA (PS thank you again, Louis!). Turns out I’m not at the center of the Bravo cinematic universe, something Mary M. Cosby apparently still grapples with.
I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve all seen the news that Mary played the addict on the day of the reunion recording because she didn’t want to comply with your-your-towel meets Big Bird. -at-the-job-fair dress code Meredith plotted. Or, more likely, she just didn’t want to face a moderate (ish) conversation about any of her, uh, stocks. Mary also confirmed her absence with an IG article, which contains quotes from a psychiatrist named Marcia Sirota on how “bad reality TV rots our brains and makes us rude”, among other things.
As much as I want to skip Seth’s birthday party and do a close read of Mary’s art direction and hashtag choices, I’ll stick to three stray observations. 1.) This same psychiatrist starting on the misdeeds of reality TV also writes a blog on The single person which reads like those Insider plays where a New Yorker goes to the Midwest and says, “There was time and a grocery store, and I couldn’t believe people there were wearing shoes.” I was also surprised to find traffic lights. 2.) I chose to read the line “bad reality TV rots our brains…” with an emphasis on wrong, so this whole situation becomes a cultural criticism. 3.) Fascinating for Mary to decide on two seasons and some paycheck shit as she suddenly has an ethical problem at the precise moment she can no longer control the narrative. Correlation doesn’t necessarily imply causation, but just “food for thought”, you know?
Back in Utah, John, Justin, Duy and Seth are golfing. Why do we see this extended bro-down ho-down with talking hubby heads? If I wanted to watch dudes ironically demanding ‘cleavage and courage’ themed birthday deals, I would head to HBO Max and get attached to the Entourage derivative feature film. Alas, the boys are thrilled for Seth’s Day and are planning a Mother’s Day excursion to Zion for their wives.
Heather also sets up a spa day for Jen to show she cares about her criminal charges or whatever. They have a “conversation” (using “conversation” very loosely here because the edit looks like what would happen if you asked Sonja Morgan to do a TikTok) about Meredith’s loyalty to Mary, which I understand. agree, is bizarre bordering on infamous. The two girls assume that Mary and Meredith MUST be behind the Feds who stormed the bus because “how did they know we were at the Beauty Lab?” Umm, maybe because you’re filming a TV show that runs between about 3.2 locations ?! Like, I’m pretty sure I could switch to SLC at this very moment and get into Beauty Lab or one of the “Osteria” and meet at least two of the 46 Angies in your orbit! Jen isn’t invited to Seth’s birthday party, which doesn’t surprise anyone.
It’s not like she missed much, though. Aside from Meredith and Seth’s Party City x Westworld Host look being 7% scarier than normal (the bar is high), the footage was mostly Teddy the dog growling around a hot tub. Plus, Meredith sits down with Mary so she can tell her that the racist comments were basically fine and a completely understandable incident. Absolutely not. Mary’s comments (which I won’t repeat) were not a misreading of Mariame Kaba or a difficulty in grasping a specific nuance of Ocean Vuong. Like, I’m pretty sure most kids learn this specific anti-racism lesson from Elmo. Meredith and Mary then discuss Lisa’s jealousy, and that’s why she “lashes out” on Mary by telling Jennie that the shoes have been cropped. Of course, okay.
After everyone has engaged in a long discussion about Whitney’s bazoombas, Heather asks Meredith if she has considered inviting Jen, and of course she hasn’t! Meredith immediately returns to her “terrorized and traumatized my family for two years” mode, and ultimately, someone asks if there’s more to the story because Ms Marks has been treating the teat of a few likes on Twitter for 14 solid episodes now and those poor udders are raw and shriveled. She says ‘of course there are’ but gives no details, an interesting choice for someone who insisted on more details when she already had a first-hand account of someone’s religious trauma. , with corroborating bank statements!
End on an episode derived from House hunters: downsizing of the accused, the Shahs do their couples therapy painting homework while discussing the closet size of the two beds and two bathrooms that Jen checked out earlier in the week. Jen says her love is strong and everlasting and blessed. Coach says [dog that looks like both a worm and a turtle at the same time] and that Jen is, in fact, a guest on the Zion Girls’ Trip.
The distance from Salt Lake City to Zion is four hours and 20 minutes (sick, bruh). I’m telling you this so as not to pontificate on how many McDonald’s Lisa has brought or how many breaks Kevin the driver has been commissioned to but in the hope of making sense of the craziness unfolding. I’ve watched it a few times, and I still don’t understand how they went from being absent from Mary and Meredith to an intense brawl with Jen and Lisa. At this point, my guess is that Jen got on that bus with the intention of fighting Lisa – whether it’s her own or the production plan is unknown. Otherwise, I don’t understand! Like, girl, you were invited! You have an open federal criminal case! All you had to do was shop around for a bit and take care of your own business (real and / or fraudulent)!
Part of me wants to sympathize with someone who just spent 32 hours in a car with a cat who refused to take his sedatives and therefore spent the entire time moaning throatily trying to make his way out of the cage transport: travel by car is difficult! There was absolutely a time when I, too, was like, “I SHUT UP THE FUCK NOW, GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE.” I’M DONE. ”But then I remembered how lucky I was to be alive and well and moving to a place that sells Home Run Inn frozen pizza in select grocery stores without also having one hell of an annual polar vortex. I guess perspective, gratitude, and self-awareness don’t exactly make reality TV compelling, though. So if I ever find myself in this situation with a camera present, I don’t. sure to tell my cat YOU’RE NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY GO, COME ME, BRO and see if I can tempt him into a physical altercation.
Anyway, see you next week for “TO CONTINUE! In the meantime, a guess: would you rather have Seth Marks as a husband or as a dad?